


I Seem to Have Lost It

by fobfantasia



Series: closet boy [1]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Blurryface's voice is in bold, Delusions, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Hearing Voices, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Transphobia, Other, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Songfic, Transgender, Transgender Male Character, also Blurryface is a girl, because Tyler was born with girl parts, girl!Blurryface, in this fic at least, transboy!tyler, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4567881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fobfantasia/pseuds/fobfantasia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dysphoria is like a monster that isn't there, eating you alive but not leaving a trace. </p><p>or, Tyler isn't feeling okay about how he was born and girl!Blurryface won't leave him alone about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Seem to Have Lost It

**Author's Note:**

> My obsession with transboy!Tyler is only growing and I don't regret it one bit.
> 
> Based on the song You Know What I Mean by the Cults.
> 
> ((I added like one line so I could continue this so)

_I_

Tyler fiddled with his shirt, pulling it taut against his chest.

_I can't take things slowly_

It's not flat, no matter how many sports bras he suffocates himself with.

_Come let away_

There'll always be small lumps sitting on his chest. They won't go away.

Just like the voice in his head.

_That's what they all do_

He can't buy a binder; he isn't out to his parents. He's terrified that they'll kick him out, or hate him, or purposely misgender him.

_Help me_

At least it's easier taking his birth name when he thinks they say it accidentally, rather than when someone does it on purpose.

 _Enforcing_ the feeling of not being born the way he wanted, with these _stupid lumps_ on his chest.

_Cause I'm feeling shaky_

There was one time he put on enough bras to look almost completely flat, but he couldn't breathe. Not that he minded.

_Tell me what's wrong with my brain_

Should he put on four bras again to see how it looks? After all, it was a freer feeling than having breasts bulging out of his body.

_Cause I seem to have lost it_

Why was he born like this?

Why couldn't he be normal, instead of what his parents called a sin?

Why couldn't he just stick with that wretched birth name?

_Cause I am afraid of the light_

**"Hey girly, what's up?"**

_Yeah, you know what I mean_

Tyler flinched, turning to the feminine figure before him.

"Hey, Blurry," he mumbled, staring at his hands.

_And I can't sleep alone at night_

**"You not feeling well?"** she asked, reaching out with a sincere look on her shadowy face.

Tyler nodded, already knowing what she would suggest.

_Yeah, you know what I mean_

**"There's one sure-fire way of feeling better,"** she whispered, a slight smirk on her face. Tyler stood up and walked to the bathroom, submitting to Blurryface.

_Lonely_

She became a wisp of smoke, disappearing into Tyler's hair.

He recalled when he first chopped it off, the disappointed look on his mother's face when she said, "it's _too short_. It's not pretty."

_That's not quite my problem_

He opened the box, full of rubber bands, bobby pins, paper clips, and an unused pencil sharpener.

 **"Now that isn't gonna do much damage, is it?"** Blurry breathed into his ear.

"Mom keeps all the razors in her room since last year." Tyler was getting antsy, pressing his fingertip to the pencil sharpener blade.

_I have all I need_

**"Go get one."**

_Haven't quite lost it_

Tyler snapped out of his trance, backing up from the box.

"No. I-I can't."

**"Excuse me?"**

_I try_

Tyler hurried back into his room, grabbing his phone and texting Josh.

_So hard to be happy_

"do you mind coming over? I know it's late but I can't sleep alone."

_Cause something goes wrong once again_

He got a response in less than a minute.

"What's wrong, baby boy? :("

_Please_

"I just need you here."

He waited a couple seconds before sending another.

_" Please come and save me" _

In five minutes, Josh was at his window, panting with a worried look on his face.

"Arms, legs, and tummy, baby boy," Josh breathed, already knowing wherever Tyler would try to hurt himself.

Tyler obediently lifted his shirt, shorts, and turned up his wrists, to show that in fact, there weren't any new wounds. Josh smiled wide.

"I'm so proud of you baby boy."

_Tell me what's wrong with my brain_

**"You'll still be a baby girl to me."**

_Cause I seem to have lost it_

Tyler started shaking and staring at the lumps on his chest again.

_Cause I am afraid of the light_

"Baby boy? Remember, whatever's there, you're still a boy to me. Boys can have boobs and a vagina too."

_Yeah, you know what I mean_

"I-I know," Tyler mumbled, burying his face in Josh's (breastless) chest.

_And I can't sleep alone at night_

Josh kissed the top of the smaller boy's head, humming, "I love you so much, baby boy."

Tyler heard a voice in the back of his head, **"boobs and a vagina make you his baby girl."**

_Yeah, you know what I mean_

"I love you too. Is it okay if I sleep for a bit?" Tyler was toying with the other's shirt, his eyes fluttering closed. He felt Josh nod above him, and he closed his eyes.

_Cause I am afraid of the light_

"I'll have to go in a couple hours before my parents wake up though, is that okay?"

Tyler nodded. "Just need you to keep Blurryface quiet for a bit."

_Yeah, you know what I mean_

Josh smiled, "I keep them quiet?"

 **"Her,"** Blurryface growled. **"I'm a Her, just like Tyler is to everyone on this planet."**

_Cause I can't sleep alone at night_

Tyler doesn't reply, just keeps his eyes shut, relishing in the feeling of Josh's warmth. He didn't even realize he fell asleep.

_Yeah, you know what I mean_

That is, until he woke up alone.

 **"I'm back!"** she cheered with her hand open, a glinting piece of metal in her palm. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yet again, something based on personal experience. With the hair and all, at least.
> 
> I thought since Tyler was in a female body, his brain would try to bully him into thinking he was a girl.
> 
> No matter what your parts, you identify as who you are. It's all up to what you're comfortable with.


End file.
